When my in-laws’ apartment was flooded, I didn’t think twice about inviting them to stay with us. But six weeks later, they’d turned my home into their personal hotel, and my wife wouldn’t stop them. That’s when I came up with a plan to get my home back.
I’m the kind of guy who enjoys a quiet life.
Give me an evening at home with my wife, Kelly, our two cats sprawled across the couch, and some mediocre Thai takeout, and I’m happy.
I never expected to end up living with four other people, but when my MIL, Susan, called and told us their basement apartment had flooded, I didn’t think twice about offering them a place to stay.
Kelly’s eyebrows shot up.
“Are you sure about this, David? My family can be… you know.”
“Overbearing?
I know, but they’re family.” I put my arm around her shoulders. “Besides, it’s just until they find a new place.
How bad can it be?”
Kelly sighed.
“You always think you can handle them better than I can.”
They arrived an hour later, all four of them.
Kelly’s mom showed up with three oversized suitcases and a canvas bag full of essential oils. Stan, her dad, hauled in a cooler that looked like it could survive the apocalypse.
Kelly’s sister, Andrea, rolled in with her own luggage set and immediately asked where she could charge her phone.
And Josh, Kelly’s brother, strutted through the door like he was checking into a resort.
“This is awesome,” Josh said, dropping his duffel bag in the hallway.
“You guys have such a nice place.”
They bunked in the guest rooms. We only had two, so Andrea and Josh had to share the hallway bathroom.
Susan and Stan got the bigger guest room with the attached half bath.
It seemed manageable.
I was so naïve.
Within an hour, they’d taken over the kitchen. Susan started rearranging our spice rack.
Stan opened the fridge and frowned like he was inspecting a crime scene.
“No lunch meat?
Not even ham? I’ll just fry up the last of your eggs. I’m starving.”
“Me too,” Josh said, joining Stan in front of the fridge.
Moments later, Andrea was making herself a smoothie with an entire packet of frozen berries, the last of our almond milk, the local honey I got at a farmer’s market, and Kelly’s expensive collagen powder.
Josh found our stash of $30 truffle cheese and made himself a sandwich.
With ketchup.
I almost cried.
I caught Kelly’s eye across the room. She gave me a sheepish smile and a little shrug, like this was nothing.
The next day, I bought some extra food to tide us all over until Kelly’s family had time to go to the store.
Two days later, I went into the pantry to grab some granola bars for my work lunch, but the box was empty.
“Kelly?” I stepped back into the kitchen where she was making coffee.
“Do you know what happened to all those granola bars?”
Kelly shook her head.
“Maybe Josh had some?”
“Some?” I tossed the empty box in the trash. “I bought that box two days ago, and it’s empty.”
Kelly crossed her arms. “What do you expect me to do about it?
Lock the pantry?
Put Josh in time-out?”
I tried to let it go, but by the time the weekend arrived, all the snacks in the pantry had disappeared.
I thought it couldn’t get any worse, but I was wrong.
A week later, I came home early and found Andrea sleeping in our bed. OUR BED!
I put a hand on her shoulder and shook her far more gently than I wanted to.
“Go away,” she groaned. “I’m trying to take a nap.”
“This is our bed, mine and Kelly’s.
You have a perfectly good bed in the guest room to take a nap in!”
She squinted up at me.
“Stop shouting, David! You’re being so mean. Your bed is more comfortable, and it’s quieter in here.”
“Andrea, this is our private space…”
She rolled over, cuddled into the bedding, and went straight back to sleep.
I stood there, staring down at her, completely dumbfounded.
Part of me wanted to pick her up and carry her out of there, but the better part of me knew that would only cause drama.
That evening, I spoke to Kelly about it. It did not go well.
“I asked her to go back to the guest room, and she just ignored me!” I said.
Kelly sighed. “I’ll talk to her.”
Andrea’s naps in our bed were a daily occurrence by the end of the week.
Apparently, Andrea told Kelly she couldn’t nap in the guest room because Josh was too loud.
“But I don’t want her in our private space,” I said.
“Neither do I, but what can we do about it?” Kelly replied.
“We can’t just kick them out.”
“I’m not saying we should, but this is getting out of hand.”
“And you expect me to fix it? Is that right, David?” Kelly shook her head. “I knew this was a bad idea, but you didn’t listen to me, and now you want to blame me for it, anyway.”
“That’s not—”
She walked away before I could finish speaking.
I went upstairs, and when I entered our bedroom, I discovered that Andrea wasn’t the only one invading our space.
I stepped into our en suite bathroom, and there was Josh, wearing only a towel, brushing his teeth.
“What are you doing in here?” I snapped.
Josh spat into the basin.
“Your bathroom has way better water pressure, dude.”
He walked past me, leaving behind a mess of toothpaste in the sink. You don’t even want to know what the shower looked like.
I started fantasizing about witness protection.
New identities for Kelly and me, and perhaps a remote cabin in Montana to live in. Anything would be better than this.
At that point, tension simmered under every interaction.
